SURVIVOR ~ Breast Cancer Stage IV

Everthing has started a couple of months before my wife's diagnosis. A friend of hers was diagnosed with breast cancer. Initially, she refused to be treated, and when she had changed mind, it was already too late. Her cancer was stage 4, with lung involvement and the doctors even did not operate her to remove the primary tumor. She had lived another six months and died peacefully at her home surrounded by her loved ones, but probably the dearest to her was missing, her daughter. She had an affair with a married man with three children. After she gave birth to his daughter things did not go well. They had separated and one day the man took the little girl even refused to show her to our friend. Many believed, she had cancer because of all these bad, stressful things happened to her. I was listening, these stories mainly from my wife but I did not bother very much. When she died, I was just sorry and that was it. I had no idea, what was waiting for me at that time.

Couple of months later, my wife came and said to me that she had found a lump in her right breast during one of her self breast exams which she had started to do routinely after our friend's death. Her sister was in preparations to get married at that time, and we had delayed our first visit to the doctor. In late November 2000, she had two needle biopsies, both came as inconclusive. Then we have decided to go for a lumpectomy, just to make sure as advised by our doctor. On December 9, she had a lumpectomy and the surgeon came out of the operation room and said I am sorry it is cancer. It sounded like a bad joke, i was just thinking how to say to my wife and thought about my life, our relationship, our little son for a short time. I kept telling myself at the age of 30, this can not happen. Few days later, the pathology report came, stating that there were two node involvement in the n1 area. I still didn't know what it means at that time, but immediately start searching for a answers. I saw the fear in my love's eyes, and I felt so incapable so helpless, God I hated it.

I couldn't stop thinking about us. My wife, my son and myself. I was with my wife since I was 18, and we got married as soon as we have graduated from the university. Three years ago, we had a lovely son. I have managed some degree of success in my work. In short I was pretty happy, but I didn't realize what I had before this monster struck us.

All these things have happened in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. It is a very modern town, in the middle of the Arabian desert. We loved to live here. However, during our follow up visit to our surgeon we have learned that there are no chemotherapy centers in Dubai. He prescribed, tamoxifen and advised us to look somewhere else to have rest of the treatment. Therefore, we packed and go back to Istanbul, Turkey, where we are originally from. We have found an oncologist, he seemed the best to me among the others. We knew, that the time is not running in our favor, so we had decided to go ahead and start treatment. The doctor, asked for a number of baseline tests, including chest x-ray, lung and liver ultrasound screening and a bone scan. Everything went well except the bone scan which showed a high activity area on the 9th rib. Later this lesion was confirmed as breast cancer mets by MRI. At that time she was already on AC chemo, since the doctor said mets or not AC is the first line of treatment.

Everything had happened so fast that I was in shock. I had to work so I left her in Istanbul and come back to Dubai to work. I knew that I got to be strong but sometimes I could not help myself not to cry. Our little son, was also in Istanbul. In spite of his young age, he also realised that there is something wrong. He was keep asking me on the phone "Is mom sick?"

I had missed both like crazy, and I couldn't help myself remembering the times when i wanted to be alone leaving my wife and my son for a short time. I sometimes liked my short business trips, which gave me some sort of freedom to do whatever I like to do. Oh boy, did I really need something like this for being reminded what are the most important things in life. Guilt, anger, helplessness, weakness, sorrow, pain, I still don't know, which one describes what I have felt at that time.

Believe it or not, the worst was yet to come. After taking second AC chemo, we had been recommended to go for another MRI to see how well the tumor was responding to the treatment. The bad news no decrease in size. The doctor said, I am afraid your mets did not respond well, maybe we got to try something else. We all knew what it means... At the same time, before deciding the next course of action, we had been advised to go for a biopsy for which my wife was reluctant earlier.

It took four long painful days for biopsy results to arrive. And...... It was NOT breast cancer, but it is what it is called "Enchondroma". It is benign and asymptomatic bone tumor. Yupppieee!!

I was reborn, I didn't knew what to do from joy for sometime. These past few months were the hardest moments of my life, I couldn't keep myself away from the thoughts of losing someone that I love, someone that I was planning to get older with. I was thinking of our son, and how would he grow up without a mother and so forth. Anyway..... Thanks, god for giving us another chance to hang on.

Now, her chemo is almost over. Her hair already started to come back. Other than fatigue she did not have any major complaints. 6 weeks of radiation than, I hope this will be a tough but closed chapter of our lives. Already started to plan for a vacation, she deserved it. I have to say, it wasn't me who supported her, it was she who supported me and everyone else, during this tough journey. I think I am a very lucky man, but I needed to be reminded how lucky I am.

I have to admit, I had been ignorant to breast cancer and many other teribble illnesses. The overwhelming support, information, courage that I got from internet support groups is invaluable. I am currently working on a Turkish web page to inform and to warn especially young people about breast cancer.

In short, miracles do happen. At times when you have no hope what so ever, I guess you just need to hang on and keep faith. Without any doubt, the moment when the doctor told us that the mets in the bone is not responding well to the treatment was the most hopeless moment in my life. Just want to finalize by a Turkish proverb, "The darkest moment of the night is just before the dawn".

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